Horoscopes for the week of 3/3/10

Aries (March 21-April 19):  A commercial jet liner is going to crash into your car while you are stuck in traffic. Good luck with the fiery death.

Taurus (April 20-May 20): The stars told me you have herpes.

Gemini (May 21-June 20): You are a wicked, wicked person. It is time to clean up your act. Sell all your things and give the money to the poor. Then take on a new job at an animal shelter.

Cancer (June 21-July 22): Your luck is about to turn around. Unfortunately, it is a full 360 degrees, so expect more bad things to happen to you in the near future.

Leo (July 23-August 22): Uranus says you reek like a thousand piles of rotting vegetables. Take a damn shower.

Virgo (August 23-September 22): You will soon be the proud owner of a savage Neanderthal that has been reanimated after it was found in a glacier thousands of years old.

Libra (September 23-October 22): A team of Imperial Stormtroopers is attacking your base on Hoth. You will lose this battle, but Mars indicates that you will blow up Scorpio’s Death Star at the end of the week.

Scorpio (October 23-November 21): Don’t be on the bridge of your Death Star this week. You will thank me later.

Saggitarius (November 22-December 21): Signs say a wizard will turn you into a toad. Keep a sharp eye out for any beautiful princesses as they will be the only way for you to turn back.

Capricorn (December 22-January 19): Congratulations, nothing bad will happen to you this week … maybe.

Aquarius (January 20-February 18): Pluto tells me someone baked a cake for you. Unfortunately, that cake is made of malice and violence.

Pisces (February 19-March 20): The signs aren’t totally clear. Either you will be the first person to murder someone in space or you will be the first person to be murdered in space. I suppose if you plan things out, you can make sure not to be the one who dies.

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